Life on the other side of marriage….

Divorce. It’s a word that conjures up all kinds of negative thoughts for all of us. Some of us have personal experience with divorce, whether it was your own or your parents. Some of us have watched as friends and family go through it. Some of us have only what we’ve seen on tv. The anger, the ugly, the sadness, the betrayal, the struggles, the drama.

I imagine I’ll always remember the moment that I became aware that divorce was on the horizon. I struggled with all that I had done wrong, all that I could have done. The heartache that followed was something I’d never felt. I had pain not just in my heart but in my throat….all the things I never said. The struggles came in waves. I would be in the dark working through something and start to see the first glimmer of light on the horizon when another wave would knock me over. But no matter how many times I was knocked over, God was there to help me get back up. I had made a decision that I was going to trust God and I was not going to unpack during this part of the journey. I was going to trudge through all the mud I needed to because setting up a tent just wasn’t an option. God has given me strength when I was so weary I thought I just couldn’t go on. Those moments when I wanted to just wash my hands and say eff it all, those times were followed with so much growth, strength and blessings.

It’s taken time and small leaps of faith. With courage that only comes from God, I started facing my fears, confronting the lies, and the stinkin’ thinkin’ toxic thoughts that had created the battlefield that ruled my mind, for years. I refused to quit. All of this was new and with the new always comes challenges. However, all the work I had been doing over the past few years, had been preparing me for what was next. The biggest impact was that I now knew God’s truth. I am loved. I am valued. I am worthy…the roots of rejection had grown deep but I was able to cut off their lifeline. I am actively working on building a firm foundation in truth, hope and love.

I’m hoping to offer encouragement to those struggling and suffering through a separation and/or divorce. (Of course there are extreme circumstances where this does not apply, I am not speaking from that perspective. I wouldn’t ever encourage someone to stay in a dangerous situation.) If there’s a way to find your way back to love, I encourage you to try. I found counseling to be so helpful, I wish I’d started sooner. It was a weekly breath of fresh air. I was safe with my counselor so I felt comfortable speaking my truth. Try and try again, if needed. I went to individual as well as marriage counseling. Counseling with a Christian was so beneficial, I truly believe it made this part of my journey all the more valuable. It assisted in the process of working through the anger and hurt as well as acceptance and forgiveness through a biblical perspective. I needed to accept that I could have done things differently, but also that I did the best I could at that time. God knows my heart. With God’s grace I’ve been healing old wounds so I can do and be better (prepared) in the future. When we know better, we can do better.

I have learned that by focusing on the right thing, my happiness increases despite my circumstances. It’s not passive, it’s active. It requires me to make a choice to find joy and peace and with that I continue to discover who I am in Christ and make the necessary changes to grow into the person God created me to be. Healing is requiring me to let go of so much. It’s certainly not a quick fix, but it is so worth it. Being a healthy example for my boys isn’t just about eating right or living by the golden rule, it’s my overall wellness (mind, body and spirit) and glorifying God through every aspect of my life.

How do you behave when going through tests, trials and tribulations? Do you remain stable? As a military wife, I’ve worked through quite a bit over the years, but I knew there was something I was missing or rather, I was seeking. I wanted a relationship with God, but I allowed the enemy to complicate it. I was convinced it was unattainable. I wasn’t worthy. It was out of my league. I couldn’t have been more wrong! I was exactly who God wants, however, I wasn’t sure of how to go about it. When I tried to find a way, I would get discouraged. But, God. He didn’t give up on me. He’s showing me the way. I’m not ashamed or embarrassed by my struggles. I can’t go back and change the past but I can learn from them. We can’t always see where the road is going but God always promises to be there with us.

Divorce definitely tests you in ways that you will either grow from or continue to struggle with. If you continue to try to work things out on your own instead of surrendering to God, He will keep you in the valley. He will be there with you, but until you see the blesson (blessing in the lesson), there you will stay. I have learned that even though I can be hurting, I can and should continue to bless others, even those that I don’t want to…especially those that I don’t want to bless! It doesn’t mean I’m accepting someone’s unacceptable behavior towards me, God believes in healthy boundaries. It doesn’t mean I’m not acknowledging my hurt, but when I do the right thing while hurting, when I’m good to all others (regardless of someone else’s behavior towards me) and I’m not doing “good works” for God’s acceptance (which is often backed by bitterness and pride) that’s when there’s spiritual growth. Through the difficult challenges in life and having to apply the Word, that’s when we grow.

Any other people pleasers out there?? I am a recovering people pleaser. I spent years trying to make sure everyone around me was happy. What an exhausting and impossible way to survive. Once you’ve been in that place, it takes time to change that mindset and way of living. I have been trusting God through this process. Recognizing that I didn’t have to do good works or act like I was strong when in reality I was crumbling inside has been so freeing for me! I have had to learn to trust that I’m making decisions for the right reason and not resorting to my old people pleasing ways. Nothing like a divorce to test you!

Leaning and relying completely on God is an ongoing process. He continues to show me where I need to let go and where I need to grow. I have been trusting the process for a bit now, but it can still be difficult. I have had to make decisions and step out in faith in so many ways. Co-parenting is a great example. Co-parenting is definitely what you make of it. If you will center your heart on God, what’s important will shine through. It can be a heavy process because the enemy will constantly try to bring you to your past. The best way I move forward is by trusting God, focusing on the right now and thinking about what is truly important and in the best interest for the boys. I have put my opinions aside and trusted that God will show me and make a way. I have grown a lot in this area. Things I couldn’t wrap my head around became my number 1 priority. Just like everything these days, I pray about how to move forward with my decisions. I haven’t regretted one decision made in faith, hope and love. Likewise, if you are making misguided decisions based on the past, out of fear or about what you or other people are negatively projecting, it will shine through.

We have been able to come together when it counts, when it’s most important and that means be there for the boys. The picture may not look the same but we have vowed to continue to put the boys’ needs and interests before our own. We have a journey ahead of us and based on the past year, I have faith that with God guiding us, we will continue to positively find our way. Just because we could no longer be there together in marriage doesn’t mean we can’t be there together in divorce. Divorce doesn’t have to be ugly and destructive. It can be a time of wisdom and healing, of letting go and growth. We’ve all heard it before: “God takes what was broken and turns it into a blessing”. True story.