The Choice is Yours

Feeling all the feels as we pack up the house these past few weeks. As we give away, donate and throw out things we have loved, can’t use in our new places or some, probably never should have purchased in the first place, we’re also letting go of the life we started at this house 8 years ago.

So much thought, care and love went into making this place a home, a home that we could all enjoy. A home that the boys would want to have their friends enjoy with them. A home that we could enjoy with our family and friends. 

I can confidently speak for all of us in saying that the outside, the backyard is, was, our favorite. Giving the boys space to grow, throw, run, play, create, catch, swim, climb, swing, fall, jump, hit, kick, balance, hang upside down, build, whittle sticks, shoot their BB guns or bow and arrow or just sit and relax. Read. Bird watching was a favorite, even in 30 degree weather. Listen to music. Enjoy the flowers, the hummingbirds. We loved growing a garden. So much of what we planted throughout the yard was a gift or has a story, was part of our dream.

What a roller coaster of emotions. The grief comes in waves. The other day, during a sudden moment of overwhelm, I walked around out back. I eventually went beyond the fence and turned to look at our property. I always liked to do this. I took in the smell of pine, the sound of the wind whistling in the trees, the birds and bees, the way the sun looked through the trees that are quickly filling in with the green of Spring. Beautiful.

And I became mad. Why did our story have to take this path? Why couldn’t we pull it back together? 20 years and now divorce. Why?

Sometimes we don’t know the why. That’s been a journey over the past 18 months, as I’m a big “why” person.

God put it on my heart, I’ve felt it my entire life, a need to know all the why’s and help others discover their why. I’ve studied social work, psychology, substance abuse counseling, sensory, special needs, and eventually I became so intrigued with how food (and everything in our environment) impacts our body, our brain and behavior. Why has our society has become so ill…. which has led me to being a health coach that focuses on helping Mum’s reduce stress, improving digestion, increasing energy and finding peace. I love figuring out the why’s and supporting others while they discover their unique why’s.

My dream is for others to finish stronger than when they started, to be filled with a brightness like never before so they can spread the ripple to their family, their friends, anyone and everyone.

But. 

Sometimes in life we don’t know the why. What I’ve learned is that I’m ok without knowing the why to all the things. I’ve taken baby steps to get to where I am, but continually stepping out in faith has always been the best decision I’ve ever made.

Letting go and letting God. Trusting that whatever my future holds is better than everything I could dream of…. Whatever is up ahead will be nothing short of amazing. It won’t always be a breeze or without struggles, heartache and tears, but the best way to get to the top of the mountain is to climb it one step at a time.

I’m learning to take the time to enjoy the climb. Find, see and be the joy, despite my circumstances, even during the times when I wish I knew the why.

My pal Woody the woodpecker will be missed. All of this will be missed. But I wouldn’t take it all away just because it’s ending in a way that I never dreamed of.

It really has been an incredible blessing to have loved and lived at this house.

But if I’m being honest, I’m ready to go. If it’s not all 4 of us here, it’s just not for me.

So as this chapter ends, and we lay to rest the story we thought we knew the ending to, I’m reminded that we never really know how things will work out and that’s ok.

It’s in the uncertainty that we grow, our character, but also our relationship with God. It’s during these times that we have a choice to make. We can lean on God and have hope for a better future, or we can lean on our own false sense of control. We either fill the void that only God can fill with His love and truth or try to fill it with social media, tv, alcohol, drugs, shopping, porn, food, exercise, or whatever you’re seeking to escape to feel better, but always come up short and often feeling worse than before.

Pastor Chance Walters spoke at my church this morning and said, “Sweep over me Holy Spirit so that I can shine like never before.” Such powerful words.

It’s ok to have moments of joy, and sweetness followed by anger and sadness. Feel all the feels, friends. Let them wash over you. Hang out. Acknowledge them. The worst thing you can do is brush them aside, but please, don’t unpack in the angst and the hurt. Don’t let the bitterness take root. Accept where you’re at, the season you’re in, because you are exactly where you’re supposed to be. Our God is an awesome God. He has plans for you, awesome plans.

God can turn it around and you will finish stronger than when you started, but remember: You can’t get there if you get stuck in what you thought your life would be. The choice is yours.